“I’m not deflecting because I’m avoiding something deep. I’m deflecting because I’m avoiding something shallow.” – House, MD
One of my biggest treatment pet peeves is when professionals ask non-deep “deep” questions. For example:
- What does it mean to feel?
- How did it feel to be in that space?
- How does it feel to be in this space now?
- What does it mean for you to not be in that space anymore?
- How do you experience that process?
- What would it mean for there to be grey in your world?
- How does it feel to have acknowledged that out loud?
Okay, depending on the situation, some of these questions could potentially be useful. However, I’ve had therapists who use them over and over and over again. “What does it mean to feel?” is probably my least favorite question of all. Maybe it SOUNDS deep and therapeutic, but there are really only two answers to this question:
- It means that I have feelings
- It means that I am allowed to have emotions and that it’s okay for me to recognize them and not judge them as being either “good” or “bad”but to just accept them as they are… and that emotions may be scary but I can work through them and get support to handle them… and that they are normal and a necessary part of human life and essential to enabling us to connect to other humans and form relationships….
My point is, your answer is either “this is a stupid question” or “I just had this revelation about the significance of feelings and everything else in my life.” And if your answer is the first, then it’s “But what else? What does it really mean?” This is where the House quote comes in. I’m not deflecting the question because I don’t want to address some deep underlying issue, but because it’s really not a deep question! And if you won’t accept “Um, it means that I have feelings” as an answer, then you are going to get whatever fictitious BS I can come up with off the top of my head. Plus, I’ll be frustrated and won’t want to intelligently answer your additional questions.
You can ask me what I’m feeling, what I felt at that time, how I feel about feeling that way, etc…. but I hate when it is reworded to sound like a deep question. “How does it feel to be in this space now?” is just “How do you feel?” with six extraneous words.
Wow, I swear I am not as bitter (or as difficult of a patient) as I sound in this post! I just don’t like shallow questions that are pretending to be deep.
Tags: Anorexia, bulimia, bulimic, chronic eating disorder, deep question, eating disorder, eating disorder recovery, eating disorder treatment, emotions, feelings, psychotherapy, therapeutic, therapist, therapy, treatment
July 1, 2009 at 9:43 pm
BINGO!! I totally agree. I would be a wise ass and go with “it means I have feelings.” I hate those stupid “supposed to be deep” questions when really, they’re not. I think if you and I were in a group together, we’d be trouble, but in a really fun(ny) way. I’ve never been in a group but I can imagine that you and I would be making faces and rolling our eyes at the dumb questions.
July 2, 2009 at 9:16 am
LOL excellent point. Perhaps you should coin a new phrase – about those pesky pseudo-crater questions.
July 2, 2009 at 10:42 am
PTC – Yes, they would probably not let us sit next to each other!
eshoe – Hmm… how about an acronym, like maybe QPD – Question Pretending to be Deep. That’s the best I have right now; can you think of something better?
July 2, 2009 at 10:55 am
This post is too funny! Thank god my therapist doesn’t use these types of questions very often. Today though he did ask a sort of deep question and actually poked fun at himself in the process. He said, “I know this is going to sound very therapist-y, but do you have an idea where this comes from?”
I appreciate the fact that he doesn’t take himself too seriously – it actually makes him seem more human unlike when therapists use those fake deep questions (FDQ?)- which only solidifies how clueless they seem to be about how others perceive them.
BTW – I don’t think you are bitter or difficult, you just want a genuine experience that validates your intellect and experience
July 2, 2009 at 10:56 am
Have you said exactly what you posted here to your therapist? I would … I have. Whenever docs or therapists or any clinician says something annoying, vague, whatever … like that, I just tell them how *that* makes me feel. They never use the pointed-out phrases/questions/approaches again. No one ever asks me, for example, “So, how are you today?” I have repeatedly said that I need a specific question if they want more than “fine.” I think a lot of this psychobabble comes from laziness on the clinician’s part … or not being around people in the “outside world” enough. in which case, you are doing them a favor.
July 3, 2009 at 11:07 pm
QPD – that’s priceless. Going into my vocabulary!
July 4, 2009 at 4:11 pm
Oh my gosh–I laughed as I read those questions. it DRIVES me crazy when my therapists asks me those questions. She’s fantastic but I wish I could have a “no stupid question” session
Especially that last one, “How does it feel to have acknowledged that out loud?” I rarely have a good answer for that one…I’m like um…….real/okay/anxiety/good…then awkward silence follows! I don’t think you are bitter, I think you are pretty humorous 
Have a good 4th of July!
July 4, 2009 at 4:13 pm
PS–in my group sessions, I swear the therapists say “how does that make you feel” at least 10 times an hour… everyone once and awhile we will throw one in… everyone (minus the therapists who don’t realize we say it to be “funny”–wrong word, but you know what I mean) has to try so hard not to laugh!